You Don’t Have to Do Anything to Earn Your Worth.
So stop trying to “prove yourself” to those who don’t deserve it.
I’ve been thinking a lot recently about how hard we sometimes try to prove ourselves to other people — especially when, cognitively at least — we know that the only person’s expectations we should be living up to is our own. We tell ourselves over and over again how we’re strong, competent, loving people who deserve to be treated well, and yet for some reason we continue to put ourselves in situations where we get hurt.
And, strangely enough, it’s often the people who deserve it the least that we try the hardest to please.
It’s the hard-ass boss with unreasonably high standards who chews us out over the smallest things we do wrong, and only rarely offers the tiniest praise for the things we do right. It’s the partner that makes us feel small, insignificant, or unworthy, or the person who we want to be our partner who can’t (or won’t) commit. It’s the parent who never shows up for us, the coworker that remains petty and dismissive, and the customer who seems determined to stay unhappy, no matter what we do.
Why do we bother trying to prove anything to these people when they clearly don’t value who we are and how hard we try? And how is it that so often what we want for ourselves and what we actually get are so different?
I think it comes down to two reasons.
1, Because we’ve been conditioned to trust other people more than we trust ourselves. Our brain, as a result of unhealthy messages we’ve received throughout our lives, tells us false stories of who we are and what we deserve. Thus, we try to earn love and belonging by “proving ourselves,” rather than finding the people who accept us for exactly who we are.
And 2, because when things go wrong for so long, we become addicted to the rush we feel — the ecstasy — when they suddenly go right. We silence our intuition, ignoring every red flag that comes up no matter how numerous, and then use anything that goes right as evidence for why we should stay. We then get so used to this game that it becomes our comfort zone, trusting familiarity over the unknown, even when what’s familiar is harmful to us.
If we’re used to unhealthy relationships — whether at work, with family/friends, or a romantic partnership — then that tends to be where we’ll stay. It’s so much easier to do that than to learn the entirely new skill set necessary to cross into uncharted territory. Especially if you suddenly find yourself in a healthy place when what you’re used to is toxicity, all that safety you suddenly feel can be terrifying, or even equated with boredom.
If you’re used to the rush, the back-and-forth challenges of cat and mouse, then of course it will be hard to trust not only in someone who’s telling you the truth, but who’s quite simply easy to be with. Your new boss or partner might be so supportive, patient, and validating that you think surely they must be hiding something. You might start to screw things up intentionally, just to test them, or even unconsciously, as you revert back to old habits. Or maybe you’ll just start to shut down, retreating internally or running away from something that seems too good to be true.
It’s important to remember that if you notice this happening, it means you’re now sitting in the passenger seat, and fear has taken over the steering wheel. Fear tends to translate “unfamiliar” as “potential pain,” and will work on steering you back to the (incorrectly) perceived safety of your comfort zone.
The thing is, it’s impossible to grow in your comfort zone. Growth almost always only comes through some amount of discomfort, which, yes, will be painful sometimes as we shed toxic energy, grieve what we’ve lost, and break old habits. But the rush that comes afterwards — the fulfillment, the trust, the belonging, the hope — is so much more intoxicating, and lasts so much longer, than any negative cycles of familiarity we were part of before.
A desire for love and belonging is something all of us rightly share. However, it should never be used as an excuse to either get involved, or to stay involved, with something or someone that isn’t good for us. As humans, we have literally infinite potential to be better than we were yesterday, to be more joyful, more at ease, and more in alignment with our deepest and truest selves. Sometimes, we will absolutely mess up, and that’s part of growth too as we learn how to do things even better the next time.
In reality, you will never have to prove yourself to anyone who truly values you for who you are. The people who genuinely accept you will be there for you no matter what, and they’ll never make you feel “less than” for anything you do wrong. They’ll hold you accountable, sure, and they might share how something you did made them feel, but they’ll never make you feel insignificant or unworthy as they do so.
Maya Angelou said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. People know themselves much better than you do.”
That means that despite whatever someone might tell you, trust what their actions show you over their words, and don’t turn a blind eye when they show you a part of their character you don’t want to believe. There’s no use ignoring reality, and it’s not worth the emotional crap you’ll deal with later when you have to dig yourself back out of that hole.
When it comes to trusting what they show you, you also have to get used to trusting the signals your intuition will send you about how that person will value you. You should never have to run yourself ragged chasing after something that clearly doesn’t want to — or isn’t meant to — be caught. If someone loves you for who you are, and/or wants you for who you are, there won’t have to be a chase in the first place.
Now, some people struggle with a sense of self-worth, and there’s nothing wrong with encouraging them and lifting them up when they’re being too hard on themselves. But our intuition can almost always tell the difference between someone who’s struggling to see their own value and someone who is genuinely trying to warn you that they’re not worth your time.
And you know what? Sometimes, they’re not. And that’s okay. It doesn’t make you a bad person for walking away from someone or something that no longer serves you.
Your intuition — your Higher Self, God, that still small voice, your divinity, peace, whatever you want to call it — is the one thing that can always, always be trusted because it’s literally always right. Whenever I’ve ignored it, I would soon find myself unhappy, dissatisfied, or hurting, tangled up in a mess of my own creation because I didn’t heed my own warnings. When I’ve embraced it, and practiced listening to it, however, I find fulfillment. Every time.
I think we like to feel like we’ve earned things. That we’re hard workers, capable, strong, and enduring, and of course: that we’re worthy of love and belonging. There’s nothing wrong with that; the problem only comes when we seek validation from the outside, rather than from within.
You are your most trustworthy ally, and your most powerful resource. You literally already have everything you need to live your most fulfilled life within yourself. It might just be hard to access or unlock because you have to unlearn lessons that untrustworthy people told you over the course of your life about what you’re worthy or capable of. But it is possible to overcome those untruths, and you can do it.
No matter what you’ve been through, and no matter how undeserving you think yourself, you’re inherently, exquisitely valuable. The moment you start believing it is the moment you stop having to prove yourself to the naysayers, the hard-to-pleasers, the jerks, and the liars. The moment you start believing it is the moment you start seeing the only person you have to impress… is yourself.
Every time you practice listening to your intuition, you open yourself up to a world of possibilities that couldn’t be previously accessed because you were too busy knocking on the wrong doors. If you’re not used to listening to your intuition, here’s how you can recognize it:
It will be the voice inside of you that wraps you with grace, rather than criticism, whenever you mess up.
It will be the hesitation that warns you that person X isn’t to be trusted, as well as the gentle pull that encourages you to pursue person Y.
It will be the feeling of continuous dissatisfaction when you’re in the wrong job, or with the wrong team, while it will be the feeling of peace if the job is right.
Listening to your intuition takes intentional action to be still long enough to be able to hear it. Your gut always knows the right thing to do, but you have to pay attention. Then, even if you feel like you’ve determined the right course and it seems scary, that’s okay. Fear is normal. In fact, fear is usually a good indicator of the path you’re meant to take, because it means something’s at stake. And good things always take a bit of risk.
Especially when it comes to living a life that you’re proud of, and which genuinely makes you happy — you are always worth the risk.
