The Role of Self-Love in Combating Fear
Fear is a powerful force these days, and I want literally everyone who’s reading this to know I’m majorly impressed with how you’re rolling with the punches right now. I know we’ll all get through this, I know that we’re constantly adapting and evolving, and I know that we’re all experiencing the exact same thing at the exact same time, so we’ve definitely got each other to vent to, to find understanding, and to laugh through the pain, frustration, or confusion of, well… everything.
But here’s the thing — important as community is during this time, you know what else is super important? Self romance, my friends. And I use the word “romance,” rather than love, very intentionally here. I want you to woo yourselves, to discover what you’ve been missing during this time of crisis and spend very intentional time in giving back to yourself.
Because I’ve learned that if the strongest way we can combat fear is through love, the strongest way we can combat fear within is through loving ourselves.
I mean, your body — and all the emotions that come along with it — does a lot for you. It gets you out of bed and moves you around your apartment, even if it’s just to go to the bathroom or grab a snack. It processes all the food you eat and the things you drink. If you’re an essential worker, it gets you to and from work, and then it helps you do your job. Your body keeps you breathing, helps you do your hobbies, connects you to your friends and family through typing, texting, and/or calling, and it even sends you signals when something isn’t functioning the way it should, or isn’t getting the attention and care that it needs.
For me recently, the signals my body has been giving me to show me something was out of alignment were feelings of fear, confusion, and misdirection.
At first, I thought it was just due to the state of the pandemic and everything that came with it. I’d been aware one of my jobs was going through a new round of temporary lay-offs, unemployment was going down to just about nothing the week after that, and it seemed every bit of news I was reading to try to stay informed just filled me with more frustration. Up until now, I thought I was pretty good at building resilience, and using all the techniques I’d learned over the years to help me adapt. However, this pandemic has taught me that no matter who you are and how much you’ve practiced, there will always be new struggles that will challenge you like nothing else you may have yet faced.
When some new challenge like that happens, just as I see it happening with literally all of us right now, what I learned this weekend is that it’s time to go back to the basics — to go back to engaging with your sense of enchantment, just like you did when you were a kid.
Now, enchantment is just a fancy word for magic, or wonder, but it’s one of the most important, and yet I think easily forgotten, tools we have at our disposal for combating fear. Enchantment is simply a feeling of great pleasure or delight. It’s the part of ourselves that loves to be relaxed, connected, at ease, and satisfied.
When it comes to self-love, engaging with our sense of enchantment is one of the most powerful ways to bring light back into our lives, no matter the shadows that seem to surround us.
When we engage with our sense of enchantment, we play with the world around us. We get to experience a deep-seated joy, a wondrous sense of fulfillment, and we get to see what it feels like to enjoy doing something just because. We don’t need some purpose or end-goal, we can just ride our bikes with no hands, spin in wild circles at the edge of the ocean, or delight in the presence of a bird or a flower just because it feels good.
You know when you’re in a new relationship, and the entire world feels new and exciting? Your sense of whimsy is awakened, spontaneity comes to life, and even if you’re doing something that you’ve done a million times before — because you’re doing it with someone new, it feels exciting and mysterious and intoxicating? That’s what I think we should be able to feel like all the time. I mean, ideally speaking, wouldn’t that be nice if it were possible? And if it were possible, how do we get there?
Well, I think it’s a bit of a complicated process, but it can start with two simple things…
- We have to re-engage with our sense of enchantment.
In order to do that, I have a little exercise I want us to do whether we’re well aware what brings us wonder and delight, whether we think we know but aren’t 100%, or whether we have no idea at all — and that exercise is to write a letter to yourself from the perspective of your own enchantment; your sense of wonder; your sense of magic. This is something I learned this past weekend from Liz Gilbert, and I want to pass it along to you. Start the letter with this:
Dear ______ (fill in your name),
I am your enchantment, and this is what I want to tell you…
Set a timer for four minutes or so (it’ll go by faster than you think), and then write whatever comes to mind without really thinking about it. For example, your letter can start with “I love it when we…” or “the last time I saw you was…” or “I hate it when you feel like you have to…” etc.
Just write for four minutes, and see what comes up. Whatever came after the very beginning of that letter, that’s what you need to be pursuing and engaging with right now. That’s how we reconnect with our most true, beloved parts of ourselves, and how we find fulfillment and purpose — in the simplest, easiest, most accessible things.
- We have to freaking woo ourselves.
You know what this means? It means busting out all the moves to make yourself feel like a freaking king and/or queen. It means lavishing yourself with attention, dressing yourself up or down, splurging on some bath salts, candles, and wine, or going on a hike with no music, podcasts, or other humans, but simply rediscovering how it feels to just be with you.
It means bragging to yourself about your accomplishments, taking pride in what you’re good at it, awarding yourself for all the skills you’ve acquired and/or worked on, and even doing something you’ve always wanted to do, but maybe put off because it was too scary or you didn’t have time for it.
You know what? The only reason you don’t have time for something is because you don’t make time for it. And if you’re scared to do something, it’s usually a pretty good sign that you’ve gotta just take the leap and go for it. Sure, take the leap with wisdom, don’t just blindly go jumping off cliffs or anything, but also don’t tell yourself not to jump because your fear is too strong.
At the end of your days, do you want to say you listened to the voice of Fear? Or the voice of Love?
So love the heck out of yourselves this week, you guys. Listen to your enchantment, in whatever form it takes. Follow your sense of adventure. If you don’t have a sense of adventure, see if there’s any way you can get out of the city and take a walk in nature. Pay attention to the details around you. Notice all the different shades of green, or the teeny tiny flowers that grow in little jungles amidst the grass. Read a book not for the information it brings you, but for the characters that make you laugh, or the way it whispers magic into your life. Go ride your bike and listen to your gut as it tells you which way to go, or which path to follow.
Most of all, do something that feels exquisitely good this week, and do it just for you. Eat some chocolate or your favorite savory snack while watching your favorite movie, have a crazy dance party in your apartment/house, build a pillow fort, cook your favorite meal, draw or paint a picture, go somewhere you’ve never been before, or go somewhere deeply familiar and nostalgic.
No matter how you choose to love on yourself this week, remember to do it intentionally, and pay attention to all the feelings that come up, and how your body feels.
Engage with your body, engage with your emotions, know it’s okay to feel whatever you’re feeling, and remember if you’re feeling lost, afraid, or frustrated… it might be that your inner child feels a little forgotten and needs some love right now. Spend some time with them, and the more you do so, the more you leave no room for fear to take hold.
Only love will remain.
